


Fears

by Amelora



Category: Elite (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Canon LGBTQ Male Character, Canon Relationships, Drama & Romance, Elite (TV) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gay, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Omander - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:29:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26478013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amelora/pseuds/Amelora
Summary: Great fears began to arise when cancer completely took over Ander's life. But those great fears didn't just belong to Ander.
Relationships: Ander Muñoz & Omar Shana, Ander Muñoz/Omar Shana
Comments: 20
Kudos: 92





	1. Fear of Losing Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Great fears began to arise when cancer completely took over Ander's life. But those great fears didn't just belong to Ander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write about some of the problems caused by the cancer that Ander and Omar experienced in Season 3. It's not entirely dependent on the story in season 3, but if you can imagine I was telling about the times after Ander's haircut. I hope you like it. And I'd be very happy if you'd share your thoughts with me :)
> 
> Ander's dialogues are in italics.

**_Ander_ **

I had to open my eyes when his hands touched my forehead.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't want to wake you up." I couldn't hear his voice enough. I still couldn't literally wake up. My eyes were half closed.

I was hearing some voices. Voices of someone dressing or undressing. But Omar's voice seemed to come from afar.

"Before bed, you had some fever. I wanted to check it. Now I think you're better. You're better, right?"

I didn't remember a feverish agony. Moreover, this unbearable fatigue on me was trying to get me back to sleep. So I couldn't hear some of what he said. He was well aware of this. He was the only person who knew my tiredness best outside of my body. When I felt bed was shaking, I knew he was sitting next to me. And he leaned towards my face.

"Are you okay?" he said it in as low a voice as possible. But I understood very well what he said. Actually I knew very well what he said. This was one of the things my lover has told me the most lately. When I nodded him with my head, I could see that he was slightly smiling despite my half-open eyes.

"If you're not okay, I might not go." at that moment, I didn't really understand what he was talking about. And I had to straighten myself up a little in bed.

 _"Where?"_ I could see and speak more clearly now.

"To work." As he said this, his facial expression had changed.

 _"What day is it today?"_ I had to verify the days.

"Wednesday."

_"There shouldn't be work today, right? Am I wrong?"_

"Yes, I have no work today, but ..."

 _"But?!"_ I had interrupted. Or maybe I could have been a little angry. It was one of those things I experienced when my sleep was interrupted at night. But there was no measure of the mix of emotions I had after cancer.

Just then I saw Omar as if he was disheartened. I knew there was something he wanted to tell me. But same time, there was a concern I couldn't understand. Now he was thinking what to say, or roughly, what to lie.

When he came back to me with a smile on his face, something was wrong. This time he was looking very fed up.

"An employee from the bar had to go on leave. I couldn't refuse when the boss asked me to work for him."

 _"You're not cut out for this, Omar. It's really late"_ Being outside during the week night would tire him a lot. My hours tonight was my most fearful times. When I need him most...

"I know but there was no other alternative. So he asked me. I could not refuse either."

 _"Are you sure?"_ I hade a bad feeling. This bad feeling made me suspect him. However, I knew perfectly well that he would not lie for such a nonsense. I must have been exaggerating.

"Of course, Ander. Just a few days. Then I'll go back to my old working order." I was not satisfied with what I heard. A more sullen expression appeared on my face. I knew I looked like a little boy right now. But when I acted like that, he was looking at me with more interest. He was being more gentle and more sensitive.

When he put his hands back to my forehead, he slowly approached my face. As he leaned over my cheek and kissed me gently, "I might not go if you want." said.

 _"It doesn't matter. You can go."_ He knew I wasn't saying that sincerely. I didn't believe his excuse to go to work as much as he didn't believe in my current acceptance either.

He got out of bed as he kissed my other cheek gently. Now I knew he was already ready to go.

"I spoke to your mother. She knows I won't be with you tonight. So if there's any trouble at night, you can call him. Actually, I mean, you must call him." Before I went back to sleep, I was listening to what Omar said. He was talking that he could not take care of me at night. I just wanted to say I needed his presence. I wanted to say that I need his hand that I can hold when I lie in my bed at night.

"Most things you might need are at side of the bed, but still, as I said..."

 _"I got it Omar, go now, I have sleep."_ I had raised my voice. How could I do this when I was so tired? Also, how could my voice sound so clear when I was so sleepy?

I couldn't see his face right now. I had already turned my back to him and closed my eyes. But I could imagine the disappointment in his face. Or maybe he got used to it now. He knew the trauma of the disease as well as I did.

"Don't worry, I'll be with you in the morning. You know I won't leave you alone." he whispered in my ear. I couldn't say anything. My eyes were closed until I heard Omar walk out the door. I opened my eyes when I heard the door closing.

He was lying to me.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I woke up in the morning, my side was empty again. He was not with me again. My hands were holding into the vacancy again. He was lying to me. Again.

**_"Don't worry, I'll be with you in the morning. You know I won't leave you alone."_ **

I was walking down the stairs as my thoughts chased one after the other. My mother was preparing breakfast. I was sulking as much as possible while she greeted me with a big smile on her face. When I took my usual seat at the table, I could hear something my mother was saying.

"How are you? You got fever last evening. Omar and I had to carry you to bed." I could not remember. Yes, I did not remember how I got to bed. I remembered that something vaguely.

 _"I'm better."_ When I said, my mother sat in the empty chair next to me.

"Is there a problem?"

 _"Where's Omar?"_ I suddenly asked. And at that moment I heard the outside door opening. As my mother got up from her chair with joy, she said, "Here he is." 

I didn't hear what she said, but I could guess. I knew she said I asked where Omar was before he came.

I was trying to eat the food on my plate in the kitchen when my mother and Omar walked into the living room for a while and talked. My mother was very careful when she prepared my dish. She wanted me to eat the most, but I was the one who ate the least at the table. When Omar first came here, she did the same thing to Omar. Those days, Omar ate very little of the meals or sometimes didn't participate in the meals. It wasn't just part of the shyness. He considered himself a surplus in this house. I was so happy to see him next to me while making him feel like a surplus. I didn't think I deserved such support now, when I had upset him so much. I have never deserved such support from him. I just didn't know how to be grateful to someone.

After my mother left the living room with Omar, she moved towards the outside door. When my mother shouted towards me from where she was, I turned completely to them.

"Honey, you know I have work. Do you take a taxi again for today's chemotherapy?" Chemo ... I even forgot I would go to chemo today. 

I nodded to her. By the time Omar saw her off, I was already back to messing with my dish. I was looking at him out of the corner of my eye. He was approaching the kitchen, next to me. He wanted to come straight to me first. But when he realized I hadn't even looked at his face, he backed off. He looked at me, standing right in front of me. He watched me. He was aware of my strangeness. Honestly, I wanted him to notice. I wanted to see him in the morning, just like he said. At least I wanted him to know I was angry with this.

"How are you? How do you feel?" he asked me. I didn't answer. I was still thinking about how he didn't leave me because of my childish behavior.

"Are you mad at me?" I didn't answer again. I kept being speechless.

"Well. You're mad." he sighed deeply and sat in the chair opposite me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I didn't respond. I lifted my face off my dish for a moment and turned it towards him.

 _"Why are you so late?"_ I was ignoring the fatigue in his face when I said this in anger. In fact, I was so mad that I couldn't even focus on his face. Otherwise I'd have noticed already. How bloody his eyes are.

"I got held up, Ander. Sometimes these things happen to me at work, you know." I thought he said this boredly. I was even more mad because this made me think he was tired of me. However, when I looked at his face, I could only see tiredness, and his voice was not bored as I thought. _Then what was it?_

 _"Work. Of course it's just work."_ When I laughed angrily I noticed that Omar was looking at me in surprise. I was putting things in a deadlock. And Omar didn't understand anything about my attitude.

"What's wrong, Ander? I really don't understand. What exactly am I doing wrong?"

 _"You really went to work at night, didn't you?"_ This question just got out of my mouth. I knew perfectly well that I didn't mean to mean that. That he lied to me ...

"What do you mean?" I've seen Omar's look when he said that before. That's exactly how he looked at me when I told him that it wasn't his problem that I had cancer.

 _"I think you understand very well what I mean."_ I don't even understand what I mean.

I saw Omar take his eyes away. We usually had moments like this when he cried. He didn't easily take his eyes away from me. I also wish I didn't show that I cried most of the time. But my goal was nothing but to appear to be a tough guy. That was not his goal. The reason he did it was because he didn't want me to see him upset because of me. _Although I know this. Although I know that well._ I cannot stop reflecting this confusion of emotions I am experiencing on him the most.

_"If you want to leave this house, you can do it right now. I've given you a chance for this many times before. But as far as I can see, you want to spend your time somewhere else and go in and out of this house comfortably."_

I got up from the chair and looked emotionless at his face. I had no idea how I could do this to him. Moreover, there was no reason.

_"Don't worry, I will die soon. This way, you will not have a guilty conscience."_

When I left the kitchen quickly, I left Omar there alone. I was crushed under the weight of what I said to him. It hurt. How could he feel if my pain was so hurt?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I got ready in my room and went downstairs, I saw Omar waiting at the door in his clothes which he came in this morning. He had never been upstairs while I was standing in the room until now. So I could tell that he wouldn't change his clothes, but I couldn't understand how he was just standing in front of the door.  
After that one-sided argument we had, I thought at least he would leave me alone today. _I already knew that wouldn't happen, right?_

 _"I'll go alone."_ I said this without looking in Omar's face as I was getting ready to leave the door.

"I'll come too."

_"I can go alone, I'm not a child."_

"You are not a child, but you cannot go alone."

 _"I said I can go alone."_ this time I was looking at his face. The bloody eyes I had just seen were now swollen. I felt pain.

"Yes, you can go alone. But you cannot wait there alone. You cannot go back alone. You cannot take care of yourself after you receive chemotherapy." these words reminded me of the truth once again. The fact of how much I need it. He reminded me once again that he waits with me at every chemotherapy, that he takes care of me at every chemotherapy exit, that he takes care of all my nonsense.

_"I can call someone else, I don't need you."_

Omar responded by laughing hysterically.

"Of course you don't need me. But I need to know that you're okay. Maybe you might not believe me right now but…" He hesitated. He swallowed. He looked into my eyes. In those eyes, I was watching every word I spoke like a knife in my body. He continued what he said after taking a deep breath.

"I really need you."I put my head down. I had a better understanding of how troublesome my complex feelings were right now. If he had said that in a normal situation, I would have hugged both his lips and his body. And I'd say I needed him the same way. But all I did was let him come with me.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

During the three hours we spent in the hospital, Omar didn't talk to me except to ask if I needed anything.

On our way home, he opened his mouth a few times just to show that he was with me. We had not spoken anything but these.

When we entered the house, Omar finally wanted to go upstairs to change his clothes. But first he had to make sure I changed my clothes. When I took off my clothes, I could not remember that I was so tired before. It was the first time I felt that someone had to help me with this. At that moment, I felt like the most pathetic person in the world. And I condemned him to this man. He was a prisoner with this poor man.

Omar was still waiting for me at the kitchen table in his old clothes when I took off my clothes from the top floor and went downstairs. I guess I didn't notice if he was having breakfast. Before I went to the hospital, I was sure the table was tidy. But when I left him alone at the table, I wasn't sure if he was having breakfast. In fact, he was the only person who paid attention to such things. If I didn't eat breakfast, he could be both a devil and an angel for me to eat that breakfast.

Instead of going to the kitchen and going to him, I went to the living room. I didn't know how to apologize or what to say right now. He was already eager to stay with this poor man, and I accused him of being with someone else.

I could hear Omar coming down from the upper floor. And when he came into the living room to me, I never turned my face to him. Actually, he was not the person I am currently angry with. He was not the person I thought he was lying. It was just me.

He took a deep breath as he sat down in one of the single seats on the side. I was feeling that he would start talking now.

"Ander, we need to talk." I don't know if he expected me to answer. But in my opinion, that conversation continued at full speed.

"Believe it or not, but the reason I was out all night was that." I didn't want him to continue this pointless conversation. I didn't want him to feel guilty, even though he was innocent, because of my delusions. As I stood up from my bed in the living room, I turned to Omar.

_"Omar, look..."_

"Yes, I lied." I waited. He also waited. He rubbed his eyes with his hands and groaned. Then he continued talking again.

"I had an argument with my boss. I've been neglecting things since last week or even a few weeks. I even started going to work late on the weekend. My boss warned me that if I wanted to get paid, I shouldn't neglect the work. However, I was late again, I interrupted the work. As a result, he wanted me to work on weekdays. For a few weeks. "

 _"School, what about your school?"_ I asked him about it as if he wasn't neglecting school because of me. As if it wasn't happening because of me.

"I'll handle it for a few weeks. I don't think it's going to be a problem."

When I still didn't answer, he got up upset from where he was sitting.

"I'll have some rest. If there's a problem, I'll be up."

 _"Omar..."_ I rebelled from where I was sitting. I didn't know what I looked like right now, or how I looked at him. I just wanted him to feel my regret.

"What?"

_"I didn't mean to say that."_

"What exactly did you want to say?" this was not call to account or questioning. Hearing loveless words from your lover was the feeling I gave him the most. I was doing this knowing that he would not leave me every time. Some things weren't under my control. Some emotions weren't under my control.

 _"Just…"_ I was waiting. He couldn't wait as I waited.

"It doesn't really matter, Ander." he wanted to get away. I couldn't use force to stop him. I didn't feel so enduring.

 _"No more..."_ I raised my voice to get his attention. I didn't know what else I could do to keep him focused on me.

 _"It scares me not to be the man you love."_ I told him. I expressed a part of my absurd delusions.

I approached him with a short distance between us. My gaze was on the ground. I didn't feel brave enough to look after him yet. I couldn't say what I just said by looking at him.

_"I'm not same. I don't even know if you feel the way you used to when you looked at me. I just... I am afraid."_

He put his hands to my cheeks. He searched my gaze with his eyes. He wanted me to look after him. I kept not looking at him.

"Why don't you look at me?" I couldn't answer.

"Are you afraid when you look at me?"

 _"No, I don't know how to look."_

"Like a guilty?" as he said, my eyes finally turned to him. He had a slight smile on his face.

"I don't know how you feel, yeah. I don't have cancer. And sometimes I feel guilty about it."

 _"What? Why?"_ my eyes were completely staring at him. I was surprised. Why would he feel guilty?

"I have no idea what physical pain makes you feel, and I act like I know this. For example, this."

_"Everyone does this. My mother, doctors, my friends..."_

"Me." He was the one who continued what I said. He took a few steps back as he took his hands off my cheeks.

"What I'm trying to say is that I can't put an end to your physical pain. So I thought maybe I would be good for you if I was with you. But I realized that this was just an excuse to console myself. Because I know I can't alleviate your pain in any way."

I felt like my tongue was stuck. I had listened to what he said, but I could not respond.

"If I make you feel bad, there's no point in me being here, Ander."

This time I was the one approaching him. I held onto his hands with my own hands.

 _"No! You don't make me feel bad."_ Never.

"Then why are you afraid of who you are now?" I couldn't answer. I've never seen things through his eyes.

After loosened his hands that I was holding, he put them back to my face.

"You know that your mother will love you in any way, you don't even doubt about your friends. But you think I only love Ander, whom I first met, do you? Or that I only care about your body. That's why you're afraid that you won't be enough for me. You are afraid that I will want to find others?"

Is that really what I was thinking?

_"I... No. I... I don't know."_

"Tell me one thing. Why didn't you believe I was at work all night?"

He was looking into my eyes. His eyes to filled with tears. The tiredness of the whole night in his eyes, and more ... The burden his eyes carried was too heavy. People sometimes called me strong, but he had my power source. _His eyes are my temple._ He looked like he could cry at any moment. And that was because of me. _I destroyed him._

 _"I'm having a bad time, Omar. It just crossed my mind. So now it doesn't matter. It doesn't really matter."_ Omar had already taken his hands off my face. He wasn't looking at my eyes. He was walking away from me.

"I asked why you didn't believe, Ander?" His voice was louder. He was looking at my face but not looking in my eyes.

 _"Because..."_ I took a deep breath. _"Because I didn't trust you."_ I was crushed myself under the weight of what I said. I didn't want to think about how I made him feel. That was actually my biggest fear. Losing my love.

"I just wanted to hear."

I couldn't say anything when he went upstairs. I didn't think my momentary feelings could be so heavy.

I didn't think my thoughts could be so painful. I couldn't imagine I could trust anyone and doubt him. I was just scared. I didn't think the emotions that this fear brought could be that great.

I was sitting alone on the sofa in the room. While I was drowning in my own thoughts, I realized that I didn't say most of the things I wanted to say. I think I would be happy with a momentary decision I made for the first time. As soon as I fell in love with him, I made a momentary decision.

As I walked up the stairs, I entered our bedroom without thinking. _How could I ask him to leave when I couldn't sleep alone in this bedroom?_

He was sitting on the side of the bed where he was sleeping, with his back to the door. I must have made a lot of noise when I came up the stairs, which he already knew I was there.

For a brief moment he looked at my face and turned around again. Suddenly he started rubbing his face with both hands. He cried.

Before I entered the room, I calculated how much the view I would encounter would hurt me. But seeing him cry wasn't something I could handle. We both knew our pain, but it wasn't something I wanted to know that Omar was crying because of me.

As he took a deep breath, I went over to him. As I was getting ready to sit next to him, I noticed he was looking away from me. Even if I didn't see him cry, I would know he was sad when he did this.

When I put my hands to his face, I heard Omar say something in his fragile voice.

"Don't."

 _"Look at me, please."_ I knew he wouldn't look. But I needed to look after him right now. I didn't care what his eyes were like. I didn't care how decadent his face was. And _why did I think he cared?_

"Ander, I just want some rest. Go please." He said as he gently pushed my hands on his face.

I had no intention of going from there.

_"I'm not going anywhere. It's you who said we need to talk, right? We haven't figured out anything yet."_

"I said let's talk, I didn't say let's find a solution, Ander." He raised his voice and turned completely towards me. Tears had ceased.

 _"Then I say we'll find a solution."_ I raised my voice as much as he did.

When there was a silence between us, I joined my hands with his hands. When I asked him for forgiveness, I did the first thing I wanted to do. I closed my eyes. I approached his lips and gave him a fleety kiss. I knew even my fleeting kisses would always be reciprocated. That never changed.

I could hear him breathing deeply. As I pressed my forehead against his, I noticed that his eyes were closed, too.

_"I have always trusted you. I have never felt my feelings for you by anyone else. None of the feelings I feel for you have changed, Omar."_

Omar's eyes opened again when I kissed him. He fixed his eyes on me while laughing with anger.

"But my feelings for you have changed, it has seen better days, right?" separated his forehead from my forehead. He took his eyes away from me.

 _"No, Omar. It's not like that."_ Not like that.

"Then how?" I was afraid of the words that would come out of my mouth when he looked at me. I was afraid to say the wrong thing. I wish I could just listen to my heart.

 _"I was afraid... I was afraid because... I was afraid you'd get tired of me. From my weakness, from my fatigue, from my requests, from my reluctance, from everything... I was afraid you'd get fed up. I was afraid that when you got tired, your feelings for me would diminish. Even without these... I was afraid you'd lose the man you fell in love with."_ I didn't expect to say it so easily.

All his attention was on me. 

As I took my right hand to his cheek, I joined our foreheads again. Omar closed his eyes again. I couldn't close my eyes when I saw a little smile on his face. I needed to see his face.

"Idiot, I'm the one who should be afraid of it." I had a smile like hims. But there was a difference in his smile. It enlightened me.

This time he was the one who brought our lips together. He approached softly, kissed me gently. This extreme kindness to my body was now part of him. Sometimes this kindness pissed me off, but sometimes it made me feel like the most special being in the world.

 _"I'm sorry."_ In an instant. I said it all of a sudden. He didn't open his eyes. He took a deep breath.

"No problem." His eyes opened when I pulled my forehead away from him. His facial expression changed when I moved away from him. He must have been wondering why I was getting away from him.

 _"Did you forgive me?"_ this feeling of guilt that I felt in all my body cells would not go away.

He held my face with both hands when a bigger smile formed on his face.

"What chance do I have?"

We both laughed when he said that. But I knew he always had another chance. As he pushed back this chance, I was reminding him of the existence of this chance. But every time I reminded him of the existence of this chance, I regretted hurting him instead of pushing him away.

I was tired of these feelings. He was not tired of these silly ideas. I also knew he wouldn't get tired. The source of these fears has never been from him or his love. Before I became a sick man, I didn't think I was the ideal option for him. No one fell in love with the person who was ideal for them. Or falling in love with the most ideal person in the world. But he was a person who could not be found in the world for me. He was unique to me.

We were lying next to each other in bed. I was holding Omar's hand with one hand. Omar was stroking my face with his other hand. My eyes were closed. I just wanted peace from this moment. Omar paused as he stroked my face. I thought he was asleep, and I opened my eyes a little. I hadn't been able to watch his face while sleeping for a long time. I wanted to enjoy this.

But he didn't sleep. He also was watching me. He pulled his hand out of my face and put it on my hand, where I was holding his hand. It clung to her tightly.

"I can be scared too, Ander. You know, right?" I could only nodded. I didn't know how big her fears were.

"I'm sorry for telling you such an absurd lie. I couldn't imagine you might think that way."

_"It's okay, Omar. It was my fault to make a big deal."_

I was wondering why he lied to me about something so trivial. Moreover, I didn't believe he was going to work. My mistake was bigger and unforgivable. But I was still curious. He didn't have to lie about his reason for going to work. 

_"Why did you lie?"_ I regretted asking this question when I see his face. _"Never mind, it doesn't matter really."_

"But I think I have to say, Ander." the look on his face seemed so innocent to me at that moment. I didn't know what he was going to say. But I knew it was about me.

"The day I argued with my boss, those were the days when your chemo increased even more." As I waited to hear such a thing, my eyes widened involuntarily in surprise. Because of me...

"After the results from the doctor, I saw that you were feeling bad, and I didn't feel strong enough to go to work." He wanted to look away but couldn't. I was completely in sight. Then he took another deep breath. As I straightened up in bed, he approached my forehead and kissed me long.

"It was all about me, Ander. It wasn't a problem with you." I wanted to cry. This kindness towards me was not something I deserved.

Then he whispered.

"Not because of you." _How could he be so understanding?_

I approached his chest. I felt like I was hiding there. From illness, from doctors, from facts, from evil, from bad thoughts, from myself, from everything that can happen. The more I hugged him, the more I felt like I was holding on to life. I felt like I had everything I needed. I spoke without ever leaving that position, not caring how muffled and fragile my voice sounded.

_"I need you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English isn't my own language. I apologize in advance for the mistakes.


	2. Fear of Losing Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can think of the first two initial short events as if they were going through the same week.  
> I wrote this chapter on Omar's feelings and thoughts. I hope you like it. And I'd be very happy if you'd share your thoughts with me :)
> 
> Omar's dialogues are in italics.

**_Omar_ **

_"Is everything okay?"_ I asked my lover who had one hand in his mouth and the other hand in his temples.

"Everything is ok." I understood perfectly well when he smiled awkwardly. Nothing was okay.

"I will go to the bathroom." he said that and walked away from me.

I should have gone with him at that moment. But because one of my coworkers called me, I couldn't go with him.  
My lover had come to the place where I work today. Actually, I was the one who pushed him to come. It was torture for him to go out for certain reasons. But like everyone else, he needed to stay alive.

In an estimated 10 minutes, or maybe less, another colleague of mine came to me.  
This person who came to me knew very well who my lover is. It was best if he came to me first, or found me at that moment. I knew very well that my lover didn't like being humiliated in front of other people.  
Or someone feeling sorry for him. It was definitely something he didn't like.

I hadn't really listened to what my colleague said. From his anxiety, his haste, and only when I heard my lover's name, I realized something was wrong.  
Before I reached the entrance to the bathroom, I saw his legs lying on the floor. The first thing that came to my mind at that moment was that he fainted.  
Even though this made me even more panicked, I was relieved to see him just sitting on the floor when I entered. 

_"What's problem Ander?"_ I said it as he grabbed his face between my two hands and let him focus on me. He didn't faint, but he didn't seem to be conscious.

"I think I have to go home now."

 _"Okay, okay, let's go together."_ I said this while I was helping him get off the ground. When I got on his shoulder, my colleague tried to get on the other shoulder. When I told him it wasn't necessary, he pulled back.

"No, just let mom know."He said this when he barely spoke.

 _"It would be better if we go together."_ I was quickly against him. Whatever happens, I shouldn't have left him alone like this.

"Omar, this is one of the usual things. It's not that important." His voice was getting hoarse. I almost felt like he was about to slip and fall.

As angry as I was, I knew what he was trying to do.When he did this, I knew he wanted to show himself strong against me. But it wasn't like that anymore. He didn't want to affect my life. Wherever we were doing, he didn't want me to be dragged with him. But it wasn't like that anymore. He didn't want to affect my life. Wherever we were doing, he didn't want me to be dragged with him.  
Maybe it was before. And I was just realizing newly.

_"All right, I'll call Azucena."_

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"What are you doing?" I heard Ander say that as he approached me in the kitchen.

 _"Food."_ I answered him with a stupid smile on my face. I had to turn my head to him when I said that because he was standing behind me.

He looked tired and weak again. I disgusted myself at that moment when I thought I was used to it. Because to think I was getting used to it meant I was getting used to losing him day by day.

"Won't my mother come early today?"

 _"Yes. But she said she couldn't be here before 8pm. So I decided to do it early. And honestly, I'm very hungry."_ As I said this, he started to sulk well. Sometimes I thought he was tired of even what I said. But that didn't hurt me. It hurt me that he knew the truth so well.

"And of course, I have to eat before that time."

 _"Yes, that too. But I'm hungry enough to want to eat you."_ With what I said, the boredom on his face had changed a little. He approached me with a small smile. He leaned his forehead against my shoulder as he wraps his arms around my waist.

"I thought you were already losing appetite."

 _"What? I couldn't hear?"_ even though his voice sounded so muffled, I heard it well. He was talking about my feelings for him. _There's no way I lost that._

"It's not important." he pulled his arms from my waist, separated his forehead on my shoulder, and walked away from me. "I'll be in the living room."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I was looking at homework given at school. After the scolding I heard from teachers today, I was trying to do something I hadn't been able to do in a long time. I was trying to study. As if I couldn't complete many homework on time, my exam scores were pretty bad. And so my teachers said I had to get myself together. Actually I was so embarrassed by what they said. But in this way, I also proved to myself that I am not a superhuman being. I had to tell someone about homework, exams, this boredom. I was losing the ability to talk to these people who reflected me the most. I'd already told him if I knew he wouldn't blame himself specifically. My boyfriend. To Ander.

He had been receiving cancer treatment for about 4 months. At first, it was easier to handle the situation. First of all, the number of roads I had to go had increased. Hospital roads, roads to Ander's school... After a while, I started using these two paths more than my own school path. Of course, I still kept going to work.

As if the nights weren't full of pain enough, I was still going to work. Sometimes I kept working, even though I was too weak to even extend a glass.

I guess I wanted to convince myself, not just Ander, that life was normal. Life was not the same as before. Life did not continue in its normal continuity. In fact, I wish it had never continued. If it was stuck to any month, week, hour, or even just ten minutes.  
But at least if it wasn't for the life he died.

I was not supposed to be pessimistic. I wasn't supposed to think badly. And sometimes these feelings that filled me suddenly grew and made me want to cry by screaming. 

He wasn't supposed to have those moments. He didn't need to know how I felt. It doesn't matter how I feel. Any time I was unhappy, especially lately he was blaming himself. Although I blamed him for nothing, he always saw himself as guilty.

Actually, thanks to him, I became someone who showed my feelings better. But whatever happens now I shouldn't have looked sad. I had to hide every emotion I felt so he wouldn't feel bad.

And sometimes I thoug I was looking at homework given at school. After the scolding I heard from teachers today, I was trying to do something I hadn't been able to do in a long time. I was trying to study. As if I couldn't complete many homework on time, my exam scores were pretty bad. And so my teachers said I had to get myself together. Actually I was so embarrassed by what they said. But in this way, I also proved to myself that I am not a superhuman being. I had to tell someone about homework, exams, this boredom. I was losing the ability to talk to these people who reflected me the most. I'd already told him if I knew he wouldn't blame himself specifically. My boyfriend. To Ander.

He had been receiving cancer treatment for about 4 months. At first, it was easier to handle the situation. First of all, the number of roads I had to go had increased. Hospital roads, roads to Ander's school... After a while, I started using these two paths more than my own school path. Of course, I still kept going to work.

As if the nights weren't full of pain enough, I was still going to work. Sometimes I kept working, even though I was too weak to even extend a glass.

I guess I wanted to convince myself, not just Ander, that life was normal. Life was not the same as before. Life did not continue in its normal continuity. In fact, I wish it had never continued. If it was stuck to any month, week, hour, or even just ten minutes.  
But at least if it wasn't for the life he died.

I was not supposed to be pessimistic. I wasn't supposed to think badly. And sometimes these feelings that filled me suddenly grew and made me want to cry by screaming. 

He wasn't supposed to have those moments. He didn't need to know how I felt. It doesn't matter how I feel. Any time I was unhappy, especially lately he was blaming himself. Although I blamed him for nothing, he always saw himself as guilty.

Actually, thanks to him, I became someone who showed my feelings better. But whatever happens now I shouldn't have looked sad. I had to hide every emotion I felt so he wouldn't feel bad.

And sometimes I thought of ht of my uselessness in the face of Ander's pain. Giving him medicine, calming him down, massaging where it hurts, looking for the source of the pain, sometimes just holding his hand... It didn't feel like it was enough for me to keep him alive. I wasn't enough. _Maybe that's why he got sick? If I had given him enough confidence, he would have told me everything?_

I knew. I knew I gave him a lot of confidence. I also knew he wanted to tell me everything. I also knew of the times he told me about his sides that no one knew. Even though we barely knew each other at the time, it felt like we knew each other from the moment we were first born. And I missed those days when the only problem we had was my family. _Maybe if I had been braver then, we could have spent more time together._

Doctors made me think that our time, our remaining time was a few months, maybe a few weeks. And that strange feeling in me was saying that he would gone away any minute. _You have to be prepared for anything._ It's one of the few things people say. 

I wanted to live to the fullest as if we were going to die tomorrow. To make him happy, to be happy with him ... But happiness became impossible without relieving his pain. Apart from being happy, I couldn't live, we couldn't live.

Usually the two of us came home early. Azucena was sometimes so busy that she only had to come home to check on Ander. I took care of Ander most of the time in the process. The other times... he was staying alone. Actually, he preferred to be alone. One day when I asked Rebe and Guzman not to leave him alone, he finally got mad at me for calling them. I assumed he was having a bad time. But when they both said that Ander was having a lot of fun, I understood better the reason for his anger. He was mad at me for not telling him. All his anger was at me.

If he was in a good mood, he would even tell me that he was tired of being home alone, especially on the days I went to work. But sometimes he couldn't even control his mood.

Sometimes he was overwhelmed by the pressures of this disease. Sometimes his fears drove him into wrong ideas. The pressures, the fears and whatever he felt turned into anger and turned towards me. I knew he used to behave like this because he knew I would be with him no matter what. But it wasn't like that right now. He could no longer bear the pain, fatigue, fear of death. So it was much more difficult for him to control his feelings. And now he was afraid even for me.

He couldn't easily express his feelings. So he could take his anger out on me if it would reduce the burden on him.

But it still was hurting me. Because sometimes bad thoughts in my mind said very different things. Those feelings reminded me that I hadn't touched him for weeks.

My lover... My lover, who shares his home with me, who shares his first secrets, who shares his pain, who shares his first experiences, his first love... Which is more painful, is he dying or his feelings for me dying? _Which one takes me with him?_

"OH!" I was stripped of my thoughts with this loud moan from downstairs. I must told my dear teachers that my lessons were not even the last thing I could think of in this situation. I did not expect anyone to be understanding with me. Even I was forgetting what understanding means.

I still couldn't believe the speed I was running staircases. Sometimes I had to be too slow, sometimes too fast. That was one of those moments where I had to be quick. When I came staircases down, I realized that Ander wasn't on the couch he was supposed to be sleeping in, but instead he was sitting on the floor in the kitchen with blood on his hands, a senseless fear took hold of me.  
What a mess all this has made me?

 _"Ander what have you done?"_ I said while wrapping Ander's hands with the first cloth I saw on the table. It must have hurt again because I pressed the cloth on his hand suddenly that another slight groan came from his mouth. Then he started speaking in a low voice, pointing to the kitchen counter.

"I'm hungry. I wanted to do something to eat. I blacked out for a moment. Before I realized it, I cut my hand with a knife."

_"Puff! Ander! I wish you were shouting to me. I didn't think you would wake up this early."_

I wrapped his hand and headed to where he was pointing on the kitchen counter. I should have given him painkillers before the cut on his hand turned into unbearable pain. But he had to eat first. Food... What can I do soon? Soup wouldn't be hearty. God, for the first time in a long time, Ander said, "I'm hungry." Ander was still sitting on the floor while I was moving from side to side in the kitchen.

_"Let's go to the living room. You get some rest. I'll bring your food for you."_

I had my eye on the clock on the wall when Ander confirmed what I said with his head. It was almost past the time he had to take his medication. Ander was watching me with the tip of his eye when I quietly threw an expletive.

_"I'm sorry I didn't even notice about the time."_

"It doesn't matter."

But it was matter. When I complained about the concept of time, I was stupid enough to forget that time had passed. I was stupid enough to forget that Ander was sleeping at home and in the living room.

When we went into the room with Ander, I helped him lie back where he had slept before.

_"I know your hand hurts a little too much, but I can't give you painkillers first, Ander. I'll bring your other medicines and then your food, okay?"_

When he nodded at me I knew I had to change my mood. I tried to cheer up a little more. Because Ander's mood was very bad. Too bad ...

I quickly went upstairs and took the medications he should have taken according to the time. I was next to Ander again with a tray in my hand, with a glass of water and the medication he should have taken according to his time.

 _"Get these first."_ I muttered as I gave him the drugs one by one. He's been doing something that catches my eye lately. He was not running out of water he drank. Sometimes he just took a few sips. Moreover, he usually did this when he took medicine. I didn't think it was important, but the doctor's recommendations were constantly echoing in my brain. It should be done ... it should not be done ... it must be done ...

When I entered the kitchen again, I was looking around more comfortably as I was calmer. I saw a few pieces of sausage cut with blood splattered on the kitchen counter and two toasted bread. I don't even know if I would have noticed the watch if he hadn't cut his hand. This feeling of guilt dragged people to a separate death.

I thought of what could be done in a short time and convinced myself that I made one of the best meals that could be done in such a short time.  
But when I took the dinner to Ander, my thinking completely changed. He was eating food by force. He even looked like he was going to throw up at any moment.  
I was well aware that this was one of the effects of cancer. Moreover, when I think of the discussions we had with Ander because he did not want to eat, most of the time, his current state was at his best. Still ... how he grimaced at every spoon he ate ... I think I was still getting used to it.

"Okay, I'm full." He said it when he left the fork in his hand as if he were throwing it on the tray.

 _"Ander, please don't. You just ate a few spoons."_ I approached him, waiting directly opposite the seat where Ander was lying.

"I'll throw up if I eat any more, Omar."

_"But you have to eat, Ander."_

"I don't want Omar."

 _"You have to stay strong, you need to eat more."_ I was furious as he said he didn't want it. I was trying to be as kind as possible. 

"It doesn't matter anymore." bowed his head. He was still annoyed at the food in front of him.

 _"What?"_ my voice was suddenly louder. I couldn't fight his hopeless moments.

"Did not you see? I can't even do such a simple thing." When he turned his face to me, I realized that this time his anger was on himself. He was still not used to this lean body.

 _"Pleas-"_ I was about to start begging, and he interrupted me.

"I said I'm full!" Ander raised his voice just like I did. But now I knew our discussion was over. Because after that I could not say anything, and that would not waste energy.

I had lifted the tray on the Ander and brought it to the kitchen. When I came back I had other medicines and a glass of water on a tray. No matter how hard I tried not to make a face, I couldn't help it anymore.

I was very depressed. I was preparing to hand him the medicine and water in the tray when I sat in the part of the seat that Ander was lying on for me.

"I'm sorry." Ander muttered in a low voice.

 _"Pardon?"_ I clearly didn't understand what he was saying.

"I'm sorry."

For what? For nothing.

 _"You don't have to apologize for dinner, Ander."_ at least he didn't need to apologize for something like that.

"No... It's not that..." I wasn't interested in this conversation.

 _"Because you're yelling, you know I'm used to it."_ When I said this, his gaze had changed. I knew perfectly well that he regretted it. But I was not able to get that sentence back. I wish I didn't tell.

"No. And it's not..." at that moment, he was like a child who made a small mistake. He put his head down and said it in the lowest voice.

I was getting scared of this conversation.

I put his pills back on the tray and focused on Ander. I didn't like these moments of apology. There was no situation to apologize. This was his current mood. I should have struggled. He shouldn't have apologized.

_"Ander..."_

"I wanted to take some of this burden on you." He said it all at once. His gaze is straight and straight towards me.

"Cooking for me every evening, making sure I eat that meal, memorizing every hour or even a second of every medicine I take ... I wanted you to get rid of all your responsibilities to me, even for a day. I know... You'll say you don't see them as a necessity or a responsibility.  
Maybe you'll even say you did it with pleasure. But I know. You're exhausted. Sometimes you even look more tired than I do. And I know you're wasting the best time of your life because of me. I'm sure you're in more trouble than your father-"

 _"Ander, stop it."_ he likened himself to the prison life I had with my father, my parents. _"I wanted to stay with you. It wasn't the same with my family. And stop talking like you owe me."_

"Yes, I owe you too much. Because you don't have to put up with any of this." I was getting angry inside. But I couldn't show it out.

 _"Whoever was in my place would do the same as I did, Ander. This is not responsibility, obligation or anything else."_ He had a smile on his face as if he were making fun of what I said.

"Yeah, every 18 year old young man devotes his life to a sick man." I had to say something to stop him. But I couldn't find the right words.

He continued without waiting for me to answer him.

"We both know it's not like this, Omar." his voice was too soft. There was a sense of acceptance in his eyes that I could not understand.

I definitely didn't like this conversation.

"I'll never tell you to go again. I know that I couldn't stand it. You're so good to me... But if one day I go-"

 _"Please! Now stop it."_ Towards the last words, my voice was quite muted. Because it was the first time he wanted to say it. He was going to say almost. ~~"If I die..."~~

I wasn't ready for this conversation. I could never be ready for this conversation. In fact, even though tears began to flow from my face, I had already started making moves to change the subject.

 _"Anyway, what happened with my teachers today-"_ Before I could finish my sentence, Ander's hand went to tears on my face. I could not feel his warmth as he was the hand I wrapped with cloth, but I needed this touch.

"I think we should now voice our fears. Together." that was it from me.

At least right now I didn't want to hold back. The first thing I did after that sentence was not sobbing. I was pulling him towards myself. His body, which I wouldn't even get in my arms in the past, was like a thread between my two arms. Without thinking, I dropped my head between his neck and shoulder. The thin smile that appeared on his face as he spoke that sentence had disappeared, I knew. But I needed his present facial expression, and I was quite desperate and cryingly surrendering to him.  
Neither did I feel strong enough to block myself anymore. And my tearful voice got stronger when I felt his arms on my back in him.  
Maybe it wasn't screaming crying that I was talking about. But the only person who could hear my screams was with me. Maybe not forgetting all their troubles on someone's shoulder. But his pale skin was the only thing that could end my troubles.

I didn't know until this moment that I needed to cry so much. I didn't know how long we had hugged with him like this. But the only thing I was sure of was that I wouldn't find the peace that this moment gave me in anyone else.

"Have you calmed down a little?" He said in a whisper in my ear. I lifted my head away from him and relaxed my arms. When I could see his face more clearly, as I guessed, I saw that his eyes were watery.

When I nodded to him, I realized he wanted to talk again.

"Omar, I know it sounds difficult, but at least we have to talk." Difficult. Are we going to call what we've been through really difficult?

_"It's not just difficult, Ander. This is not something we can say difficult."_

"Is that why you don't want to talk?" He said that while looking at me with half-mocking eyes.

 _"I don't want to talk ... Because ... Because ... It hurts you too."_ maybe even this conversation hurts you the most. _"Why do we have this conversation if it hurts you?"_

"It doesn't matter right now Omar. I want to talk to you. Whatever happens, your life will go on. I want to talk about it."

_"Stop talking like you're going to die any minute." Why are you doing this to me?_

He took a deep breath. He was looking away from me. But he seemed to be looking for something to say. Then when he turned his gaze completely towards me, I saw that very determined look again.

"I'm saying what will happen." 

_"I know doctors didn't say the chemo was getting better, but they didn't say you were going to die."_

"You know they won't look at my face and tell me I'm going to die." Even doctors can't tell by looking at his face. But he say this to me as if it was such an easy thing.

_"Maybe it's not possible, can't it?"_

He laughed in pain. Maybe my heart was in love with that laugh. It was in love with this man who stood against all odds.

"You also saw that my situation was getting worse. Omar, you see me best. I am dying more and more every day."

"You don't! Chemo is making you weak, you are just getting weak Ander. I know it scares you, and I'm scared too. But... But this is just what happened." What I wanted was to give him some comfort. But he was making it extremely difficult.

"This weakness is what will kill me."

_"Stop the nonsense!"_

"I'm trying to talk the truth, Omar." _I just want you to stay with me._

_"I don't want to talk that."_

I got up from the sofa. I wanted to get away. I wanted to escape. But when I felt his skin on my skin, I couldn't do that. He reached for my hand with his uncovered hand. As I was getting ready to sit back to where I was sitting, he said something with a little anger.

"Well, let's not talk. But someday the me you want to talk to will not be here."

 _"What if I die first?"_ I just realized what I was saying with a moment's anger. So much so that even he was surprised at my question. But there was more than surprise in his facial expression, what if everything were the other way around?

 _"What will you do if I die first?"_ I didn't realize what I was saying or asking. I was just taking advantage of his surprise. Maybe I wanted him to think for a moment. Nothing should be that easy. Talking about death, dying shouldn't be so easy.

"I'm sure there's a long time in your future." he could say it by stuttering. Did he really ever think about the possibility that I might die?

_"You don't know that, Ander."_

"I know! I'm the only one who is likely to die right now." He was angry, but his voice sounded very fragile. He turned his face to my back. He covered his hand with his mouth. His gaze certainly did not find me. He continued to be a tough guy again.

 _"So are we going to fight over who will die first?_ _"_ I had a cynical attitude on my face. And he looked at me with the tip of his eye. And his face softened slightly. He completely approached me with his body, and this time he dropped his head between my shoulder and my neck.

"Don't tell me that you're going to die, even if it's jokingly. That makes me worse than the fear of death."

_"I feel like this every day."_

"Moreover, yours can come true." This thing he said in a low voice again disturbed my balance. It dropped my face. It hurt me. But I could not say anything. He continued to speak, raising his voice a little more.

"I was actually apologizing for this. This feeling, this feeling I make you feel is inexcusable."

_"If I were you, I'd feel just as bad. I thought I had no right to put this on the man I loved. But it would give me strength, wouldn't it? Maybe no one waits for me, but he waits, maybe no one forgives, but he forgives. Maybe no one wants me, but he does. I'll hold on to life with him."_

"You want that from me too, right?"

 _"Is it too much?"_ I was trying to look as innocent as I could. Actually, I was begging him right now.

"No. It's just… I'm so tired." He had trouble talking.

 _"Me too, Ander. I just want you to get better."_ when my sentence was over, he tried powerlessly to pull me to himself with his arms. As soon as I felt it, I close at him and wrapped my arms around him.

"I will try." In saying this, his voice was more determined and harsh. This was enough for me.

_"I know."_

I soon realized he was falling asleep on my shoulder. I slowly put him on the sofa. This usually happened while sitting side by side in front of the TV. Not talking about death while hugging each other.

Ander was now having a hard time getting up the stairs, changing clothes, meeting his daily needs. When Azucena and I spoke this morning, we decided it would be better if we moved the room down. 

We were going to sleep here, not upstairs anymore. At least until he gets better. We haven't moved the bed down yet. And all the stuff we need was upstairs. I've been waiting for Azucena to carry all this.

I was sitting on the floor. On the sofa where Ander lies, right next to him. His face was completely turned to me. _His face while he was sleeping... His pale face while he was sleeping..._ I used to love to watch him sleep. But the last few weeks I've been scared to do it. In my nightmares, I saw him sleeping with this pale face in my arms, never waking up again. And that made me paranoid. _What if he doesn't wake up again..._

In my nightmares, I was seeing his worsen after any chemotherapy. _What if we can't go home from the hospital together again..._

At the same time, I was sleepless because of my nightmares. And Ander's delicate night sleep was interrupted by my nightmares. Most of the time, he sees that I am sitting in one corner of the bed. And he didn't ask me anything. He just leans back at me and says, "It's going to be all right."

**_"I am dying more and more every day"_ **

It just hit me that. _What am I doing besides wishing he wasn't dead?_

But now I knew that at least he would wants to stay strong. And alive. 

I smiled involuntarily. Although his face was pale, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Whatever happens to him, he was the most valuable thing in this world to me.

I approached his face. I didn't care if he heard or not. And I whispered.

_"I love you."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English isn't my own language. I apologize for my mistakes.


End file.
